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Jan. 27th, 2012 @ 11:50 am Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of
Lazy student is lazy. It's just been so busy! But there has been reading and critical thinking over Japanese food, so here I am to tell you all about it.

1) After all Boone's indignation last week about conquistador book-burning, Bierhorst points out that it wasn't just them; the Mexica (the dominant Aztec tribe, centered in Tenochtitlan) also burned the shit out of some histories when they came to power. In their case, they knew exactly what they were doing; having just conquered all these other kingdoms, they were literally destroying their memories so they could replace them with Mexica ones.
2) Reading the Codex Chimalpopoca is a trip; it was written by natives, but they knew they were being watched by the Spaniards, so every diety that turns up is referred to as a "devil" or "sorcerer", even when doing benevolent things. The extremely human Quetzalcoatl hero here may also be the result of euhemerizing to avoid getting shipped to the Inquisition.
3) To blow your minds, consider this: there are no codices, books or records remaining from before the time of the conquistadors. Everything we have was written after or only recorded by visiting Europeans. It's an incredible (and depressing) sweep of a culture having literally no more record of itself before it was shaped by its invaders.
4) For those not well-versed in Aztec myth, it revolves around the idea that this is the fifth world that has existed; in each previous world, the god that was playing the role of the all-important sun in some way failed it and the world and its inhabitants were destroyed. There are a few variations from place to place, but usually the story goes something like this:
        A) The gods make a concerted effort to create the world by slaying the great earth monster (in some versions a bloodthirsty goddess named Tlaltecuhtli, in others a massive crocodile called Cipactli), during the process of which Tezcatlipoca loses his foot. (Interestingly, a missing foot becomes a symbol of royalty thereafter because Tezcatlipoca is the god of nobility; only he and Huitzilopochtli are allowed to be depicted without this limb.)
        B) Once the world exists and it's possible for people to live on it, Tezcatlipoca becomes the sun. His twin Quetzalcoatl, however, is jealous of his preeminent position and knocks him out of the sky with a club. Darkness swallows the earth and all the people are eaten by jaguars (Tezcatlipoca's totem creatures).
        C) The gods hit the restart button and embark on the second world, now with Quetzalcoatl as the sun. Just as pissed off about his brother's new primacy, Tezcatlipoca turns all of humanity into monkeys, which so upsets Quetzalcoatl that he blows them away with hurricane winds and abdicates the sky, once again ending the world.
        D) The gods start over again and the rain-god Tlaloc takes over as the sun. Everything goes pretty well until he loses his wife to another god's seduction, at which point he rains fire from the sky, destroys everything and puts out the sun.
        E) The fourth world begins, now with Tlaloc's new wife, Chalchiuhtlicue, the goddess of waters, taking over as the sun. She does okay, but Tezcatlipoca accuses her of being selfish and only pretending to be kind out of a desire to be popular. She is so upset that she cries until the entire world floods, turning all the people into fish.
        F) The fifth (and current) world begins, and the gods have a meeting to figure out how to stop ruining everything over and over again. They eventually determine that they need a sun without personal problems, so they nominate a lowly god named Nanahuatzin to sacrifice himself on a pyre and become the sun. Once he does, they then call upon Huitzilopochtli, the pre-eminent sun and war god, to be in charge of moving the new sun (now called Tonatiuh) through the sky, thus ensuring that the world doesn't end again. Yay!
5) The Aztec practice of conquering nearby tribes in order to find sacrificial victims that were not their own people is echoed in the myth of Mixcoatl creating a separate race of people other than Quetzalcoatl's creations (the Aztecs), explaining that he has made them "so the sun has hearts to eat". Being a foreigner does not pay in this climate.
6) Mixcoatl is an interesting figure; he was the sponsoring god for a native people called the Chichimecs, who inhabited Cuautitlan, which no one has ever heard of because it's the fourth-most important city in the empire and only the big three of the Triple Alliance (Tenochtitlan, Texcoco and Tlalopan) get noticed. The Codex Chimalpopoca was in large part written by the Chichimecs (though after they were absorbed into the Aztec empire), and as a result Mixcoatl, who is kind of a footnote for the Mexica, is around all the time, "becoming human", raping ladies, winning wars and inspiring Quetzalcoatl to go on a murdering spree to avenge him.
7) Throughout most of the codex, Quetzalcoatl is a major figure as the king of the Toltecs (in fact, several kings of the Toltecs; it seems the name is passed down to new rulers). He appears as human, but in a decidedly magical way; when he meets Tezcatlipoca in secret, he suffers from vivid prophecies of the incoming Mexica conquest and voluntarily "dies" in order to leave with the jaguar-god rather than sticking around for it.
8) In a myth that classicists might find resonant with the stories of Cronus over in Greece, the great mother-goddess Itzpapalotl (the famous Obsidian Butterfly) has 400 sons and eats them all, saving only Mixcoatl who manages to escape and hide in a cactus. He later saves them by attacking and shooting her with an arrow, calling out to his brothers so that they burst out of her to aid him.
9) Then everybody cremates her and rubs her ashes around their eyes so they can "see as she sees", which is kind of creepy. But not as creepy as Mixcoatl himself, who gathers up his mother's bones and ashes and carries them around in a bundle as his new good-luck charm.
10) Like many gods we've mentioned, though - Mixcoatl and Quetzalcoatl do it, too - being dead is not really an impediment to Itzpapalotl, who turns up later cleverly directing and controlling the Toltec kingdom prior to the arrival of the Mexica.
11) There are a lot of examples of the Just Desserts Punishment in Aztec myth, usually having to do with sacrifice. In one story, the sun needs blood to move through the sky, and when a local god tries to get it moving by throwing a stone at it, he is instantly struck by the same stone and given permanent brain damage. In another, the rabbit-god Tecciztecatl is too afraid to sacrifice himself to become the sun, and is thrown to live forever on the moon as punishment for his cowardice. In yet another, Quetzalcoatl loves his people too much to demand blood sacrifice of them and instead says he will sacrifice only "snakes, birds and butterflies." The gods are unamused and blow up his kingdom. The underlying theme is that sacrifice is an incredibly necessary force in the world, and that those who refuse to participate in the universe's cosmic reciprocity program end up seriously ruining it for everyone.
12) In one cringeworthy story, Tezcatlipoca, in his eternal quest to one-up and disgrace his brother because he thinks it's hilarious, turns himself into a woman and becomes his brother's concubine for several years before revealing the situation, thus shaming Quetzalcoatl into abdicating the throne and sacrificing all his children. Man, and I thought Vishnu and Shiva were awkward with that gender-swapping dating thing. At least they weren't related.
13) Important Aztec vocabulary word: totec, meaning the victim of a ritual flaying. Most commonly seen in the name of the fertility god Xipe Totec ("the flayed lord"), but it's all over the place in sacrificial texts, too.
14) Because he is not yet done playing hilarious pranks on Quetzalcoatl, Tezcatlipoca proceeds to get both of his daughters pregnant. With opossums.
15) Ol' Tezcat may sound like just a shameless trickster bent on ruining everything all the time, but he's actually one of the most important gods in the Aztec pantheon; as the patron of the royalty and nobility, his rituals and influence were incredibly important to governance and custom. One story details how the king had two sons, but even though the firstborn would normally inherit, the second son gets to be king because his mother craftily named him after Tezcatlipoca.
16) The Codex Chimapopoca is about the Mexica, and if there's one thing that the Mexica want you to know, it's how badass they are. First there are enormous lists of places they conquered... then enormous lists of enemy leaders they massacred... then enormous lists of impressive sacrifices they performed... then go back to the beginning, rinse and repeat.
17) An interesting practice is that of calling any land taken in battle "eagle land", in homage to Huitzilopochtli, the eagle-god of war.
18) The Aztecs are not okay with suicide. Not only are you the lowest of the low if you kill yourself, but your children can never have glory or honor in their lives no matter how they distinguish themselves. This comes not from a particular feeling of life as too precious to lose - after all, this is a culture of people who kill one another to fuel the world and whose favorite thing to do is go die in glorious battle - but from the feeling that suicide is a direct avoidance of your duty. Everybody has a duty to their family, their people, and their occupation; committing suicide is being a draft-dodging douchebag.
19) In a hilarious aside that reminds us that this codex is being written by Chichimecs, not Mexica, the tale of the Mexican conquest of Cuautitlan is related in which they storm the temple and capture the sacred ashes of Itzpapalotl as well as the great statue of Mixcoatl, taking both back to their capital with them. Except that the Chichimecs hem and haw and say a lot of things like, "But that wasn't really the statue of Mixcoatl. We hid that. They just stole some other statue we told them was Mixcoatl. Dumb Mexica."
20) The gathering square for sacrifices at the base of the Templo Mayor (this thing that is probably what you think of when you think of Aztec pyramids) is called the apetlatl and is where sacrifices were washed, dressed and fed their final meal. It all seems kind of nice until you realize that the place was popularly known as "Huitzilopochtli's dining place", because, you know, he's going to metaphorically eat those guys.
21) The warriors that work for him are just as hardcore; in some areas, soups were made from the dried blood of sacrifices and drunk by warriors before battle to impart courage to them (again, from a curiously respectful angle, however: sacrifices were considered to be the most courageous of all men to give up their lives to fuel the gods, so the warriors were directly trying to partake of that courage rather than glorying in their dominance over dead people).
22) In a story that is funny but also tragic, the last Aztec emperor, Moctezuma, calls up a local prophet to ask him if pouring more gold and jade into Huitzilopochtli's temple is economically feasible, since he really wants to honor his patron god. The prophet informs him that the "real master" is coming from across the sea and there's no point in doing anything for the local gods, a very obvious later myth invented to give the Aztecs some window into what the Spanish conquest meant for them. Naturally, Moctezuma has him and all his sons murdered, because nobody talks about his god that way.
23) In the Aztec creation myth, Quetzalcoatl steals the bones of the previous race of humanity from the Underworld and gives them to Itzpapalotl to grind up; after she does, all the gods join in anointing the powder with their blood, turning it into clay that they can shape into humanity. It's another example of the Aztec idea that nothing can get done without sacrifice, in this case on the part of the gods; it's also curiously touching in presentation, especially when later the gods are chewing food before placing it in newly-formed human mouths, because mortals don't understand how to eat yet.

There, I promised blood and veritable rivers of it emerged. I'm hoping one of these upcoming texts will talk more about sacrifice, the idea of energy inherent in blood and its central importance in Aztec culture, because it's a very fascinating worldview that is almost totally unique to the Americas.
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Jan. 26th, 2012 @ 04:40 pm Scion Writeup #42: Black Hole Sun
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: The Band Perry - If I Die Young
It's time for Aurora! Things aren't so bad, right? Wrong. They are bad, but there's always the optimistic approach. Hope springs eternal, especially when it's the only coping mechanism you have.

The Blind Leading the Blind. )

Stay tuned for next time, when our intrepid band of heroes merrily gets decapitated, acid-scored, virulently diseased and yet somehow manage not to strangle Aurora for volunteering them for the pleasure.
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Jan. 18th, 2012 @ 05:10 pm The Phantom Project: Deception by Shirley Yoshinaka
Current Music: P. Diddy - Coming Home
Unless it refers to confusing the reader into thinking it's a bad book when it actually isn't, I don't really understand the title of this one since there isn't much in the way of deception actually going on. But it is an excitingly dramatic title, I guess.


Deception: a Phantom of the Opera Novel by Shirley Yoshinaka, 2006
Grade: C


Ladies and gentlemen, gather around: you are witnessing something unprecedented. It is the first time a self-published Phantom novel has ever gotten a solid passing grade from me.

I know, right? How could it have taken me this long to find one that didn't make me spit with fury and write scathing poison-pen notes in response? Just because the previous lineup of self-pubs has included the D'Arcy, and the Bernadette, and the Vehlow, and the Absinthe, and the Binkley, and the Pettengill, and the Minton, and the Whitehead, and both Meadows books... okay, that is a lot of reasons to assume every self-published novel on my list is full of eels and hatred, but it turns out that this is not the case!

So don't you guys judge that C. That C is an Everest-like accomplishment as far as my expectations go.

I'm just as baffled as you are. )

You can see why this book made me teeter between bored and dislike and genuine interest. It has too many hopeless plotting problems, cliches and hallmarks of amateur writing to really be any good, and I probably won't bother reading it again, but the author shows a lot of promise. It's a pity that I couldn't find anything else Yoshinaka's written, because I'd be willing to give her a try.

(Cross-posted from The Phantom Project.)
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Jan. 13th, 2012 @ 12:21 pm It Was All in Their Heads
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Evanescence - My Heart is Broken
Class! It's back! And it's all Mesoamerican! This week, we learned about history almost as much as or more than myth, but that's okay; not only is background awesome, but for the Aztecs, the two are really almost the same anyway.

1) Contrary to popular belief, there were a lot more groups of people in ancient Mesoamerica than just the Aztecs and Maya. Those two get the best press because of their impressive temples and the fact that they were both sprawling empires that mostly subjugated everyone else, but other important groups included the Olmecs (the earliest Mesoamerican civilization and a probable blueprint for many of the others), the Toltecs (the near-mythical people that the Aztecs conquered and thoroughly swallowed) and the Mixtecs (the highland tribes, who ended up mostly being vassal states of the Aztec empire but who had their own culture as well).
2) It is probably unexpected for most readers to learn that the Spanish Inquisition was also established in Mexico, though much later (ca. 1537). Unfortunately, it spent most of its time putting natives to death for "idolatry", which basically included any kind of attempts to practice their native religion instead of Catholicism.
3) One of the most concerted efforts of the Inquisition was to make sure that no cults could spring up in the countryside. After the Spaniards destroyed the great temples of Huitzilopochtli and Tlaloc in Tenochtitlan (now modern-day Mexico City), several natives fled with the statues of the gods that had been housed there; the Inquisition instituted a massive tracking network to find where they had gone, eventually locating and destroying almost all of them as well as killing the people who were hiding them.
4) We have to understand all these Inquisitorial shenanigans in order to understand why Mesoamerican mythology, specifically Aztec, is sometimes so piecemeal and messy; the Spaniards basically blew all of it up. In addition to knocking over temples and destroying statues, they also made a point of burning any and all native books (generally called codices) on religion. The few codices we do have that shed light on Aztec myth are either the rare ones that were successfully hidden or actually history texts, which they were allowed to keep.
5) If you've ever seen a codex, you know that, unlike European history books, they are entirely pictorial (they look like this). This led to a raging debate among the Spaniards of the time, half of whom (the conquerer Cortes included) were very impressed by the intricate histories depicted therein and half of whom (mostly people who were justifying slavery and various other abuses of the native populace) decried them as not being real books and being proof that the Aztecs were sub-literate and savage.
6) But here's the really cool part about the codices: they're only half the history (less, even) that they represent. The pictorial images and stories in the codices were intended to be read by specially trained priests and historians who had memorized everything they were talking about by heart; the books are in essence enormous collections of mnemonic devices, allowing the Aztec trained to do so to open one up, see a page and immediately recall and recite whatever historical or religious lesson it was meant to store. The codices were meant to function as half of a symbiotic whole with their religious and historical keepers, providing the triggers to allow them to perform oral recitations of their histories. That's some super-cool memory-storage right there.
7) Tragically for them and for any of the rest of us who want to know about them, the wholesale destruction of the codices essentially destroyed their histories and myths along with them; without the mnemonic triggers, priests and scribes could remember only fractions of their stories (and in most cases weren't about to try to write them down again and get stabbed in the face by the Inquisition). Accounts by Europeans asking natives about their histories are heart-breaking; the Aztecs usually say something along the lines of "We can't. That memory has been destroyed."
8) Back in more mythic land, Boone, in her exhaustive analysis of several of the major codices, mentions a few offhand things, mostly having to do with Coatlicue, Aztlan and the origin myth of the Aztecs (which makes sense, since they were allowed to keep histories and that myth is one of the few that would have been in most history texts). In particular, she notes that the birthplace of Huitzilopochtli, the mountain Coatepec, is the gateway to Aztlan, the lost origin land of the Aztecs.
9) Aztlan is a funny place. It's where Coatlicue, the great earth goddess and mother of Huitzilopochtli, waits for him to return to her in her underground home (to get Freudian, to return to the womb); they theoretically conceived of it as a real "place", but normal humans could not travel there. Only extremely powerful sorcerers who were able to travel as their nahuallis were able to go, and a full third of them didn't make it back.
10) The nahualli, by the way, is the second half of a person's soul; every Aztec is considered to have half their soul in their body and the other half in the spirit world, where it takes the form of an animal. Only gods or extremely potent sorcerers can access their nahuallis; the most potent of the potent may even have more than one. This underlying belief is one of the reasons for the enduring animal iconography in Aztec mythology; Tezcatlipoca isn't just the jaguar-god, he is himself also a jaguar (Tepeyollotl, the Heart of the Mountain, his monstrous jaguar nahualli), and Huitzilopochtli isn't just the hummingbird-god, he is himself actually a hummingbird.
11) Yes, I know it looks weird to us, but seriously, hummingbirds = dangerously ferocious warriors in Aztec iconography. Huitzilopochtli being a hummingbird is because he is a badass, not because he's all about flowers and love.
12) While I wasn't on board with all her weird discussion of time-travel, Boone's assertion that time passes more slowly in Aztlan (as evidenced by people who the Aztecs left there hundreds of years ago still being alive when they came back to visit) is an interesting one.
13) The Aztec mythology is particularly unique in Mesoamerica because they're not originally an ascendant culture; they're based around the core of the Mexica tribe of people (after whom Mexico is named, incidentally), who were nomadic wanderers with little power of their own, spending most of their time offering their services as mercenaries to other, more powerful kingdoms. They considred themselves to be perfected and harded by this crucible of hardship, so that by the time Huitzilopochtli led them to found Tenochtitlan, they were by far the superior people in the region, all weakness having been winnowed away. They form a sharp contrast to the general themes of the other cultures' myths in the area: where Mixtec or Maya myth paints its kings as ruling by right of bloodline and divinity, preserving vast genealogies proving their descent from a god (usually with a hilarious name like Lord 10 Flower), Aztec myth claims their right to rule because of their strength in all dimensions, military, integrity and solidarity alike. And, because they were a people who originally banded very much together to survive, they also have a much stronger sense of duty and community than some of the other cultures, as evidenced by Mixtec and Maya myths preferring to extol the personal exploits of heroes and kings, whereas the Aztecs much more frequently refer to the exploits of the people as a whole.
14) And, historically, can you really say they were wrong? Considering that these were dudes who obliterated the Toltecs, subjugated the Zapotecs and Mixtecs and referred to the Maya only by the pejorative term that is now their name ("maya" means "hungry"; they were essentially refugees at this point), their whole "we are the fittest to rule" schtick apparently worked for them.

Ah, I know, very little exciting gore unless you clicked on one of those links above, but don't worry; I imagine there will be entire lakes of blood in our future.

Also, a couple of vocabulary words!

armature
semasiographic
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Jan. 8th, 2012 @ 11:48 am Mesoamerican party time!
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: Colbie Caillat - Brighter Than the Sun
So, for the next two years of madness, we're changing things up a bit.

Instead of jumping wildly through various cultures every trimester like we did last year, getting our feet wet in all sorts of folkloric nonsense, we'll instead be focusing on a single culture per semester, with the possibility of examining one auxiliary culture at the same time. And we're starting off strong with those rockstars of pre-Columbian Mexico, the Aztecs.

I am dizzily excited, both because Aztec myth and cosmology is one of my favorites, and because I didn't feel like we really got to sink our teeth into them in our blitz by last year. We'll be doing a little side work on the Maya and Inca later in the semester, but first, there's this incredibly beautiful list to work with:

Eating Landscape: Aztec and European Occupation of Tlalocan by Philip P. Arnold
The Rabbit on the Face of the Moon: Mythology in the Mesoamerican Tradition by Alfredo Lopez Austin
History and Mythology of the Aztecs: The Codex Chimalpopoca by John Bierhorst
Incarnations of the Aztec Supernatural: The Image of Huitzilopochtli in Mexico and Europe by Elizabeth H. Boone
Stories in Red and Black: Pictorial Histories of the Aztecs and Mixtecs by Elizabeth H. Boone
In the Maw of the Earth Monster: Mesoamerican Ritual Cave Use by James E. Brady and Keith M. Prufer
The Fifth Sun: Aztec Myths, Aztec World by Burr Cartwright Brundage
The Phoenix of the Western World: Quetzalcoatl and the Sky Religion by Burr Cartwright Brundage
The Gods of Mexico by C. A. Burland
City of Sacrifice: The Aztec Empire and the Role of Violence in Civilization by David Carrasco
Aztec Sorcerers in Seventeenth Century Mexico: The Treatise on Superstitions by Hernando Ruiz de Alarcon by Michael D. Coe and Gordon Whittaker
The Myth of Quetzalcoatl by Enrique Florescano
Myths of Ancient Mexico by Michel Graulich
Native Mesoamerican Spirituality: Ancient Myths, Discourses, Stories, Doctrines, Hymns, Poems from the Aztec, Yucatec, Quiche-Maya and Other Sacred Traditions by Miguel Leon-Portilla
Olmec Religion: A Key to Middle America and Beyond by Karl W. Luckert
The Flayed God: The Mesoamerican Mythological Tradition by Roberta H. Markman and Peter T. Markman
Mockeries and Metamorphoses of an Aztec God: Tezcatlipoca, Lord of the Smoking Mirror by Guilhem Olivier
The Wondrous Mushroom: Mycolatry in Mesoamerica by R. Gordon Wasson
Lord Eight Wind of Suchixtlan and the Heroes of Ancient Oaxaca: Reading History in the Codex Zouche-Nuttall by Robert Lloyd Williams

If that list doesn't bring almost overwhelming joy to your heart, well, you and I are very different. And yes, there does seem to be a text on the mysterious and ancient Olmecs in there, too... hmm! How did that happen?

And now the hard part: scheduling. So very, very much scheduling.

What do you mean, I can only have these books for nine weeks?! )

Two to three books per week? Are we crazy?

Yes, probably. But in madness there is truth. And the truth is squeal I'm going to learn so many things!
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Jan. 7th, 2012 @ 04:23 pm University is back!
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Opera Babes - One Fine Day
This is going to be the best four months of classes ever, you guys.



Full lists and plans when completed. Whee!
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Jan. 6th, 2012 @ 12:35 pm Perfect
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: Loreena McKennitt - Neverending Road (Amhran Duit)
A while ago, I tried to write a book.

A series of books, really, which followed an unwilling vampire protagonist through a long and checkered series of events, in which she was knocked around both politically and physically while desperately trying to maintain her humanity and find her way back to self-determination from the bizarre new social and physiological strictures placed on her. There was a lot of heartbreak involved (the death of a spouse, the betrayal of friends, not to mention dealing with the aftermath of assaults on her person), but also a lot of strength and joy (the rejection of those with power over her despite the consequences, the finding of humanity and friendship even among people who are generally horrible monsters, and the redemption of a soul that had almost slid all the way down into evil). It all sounds very cliched, but I believed I could make it work with well-drawn characters, a few new twists on the world, heavy drawing from ancient folklore instead of modern vampire tropes, intelligent themes and a willingness not to flinch away from horror or dwell overly in angst.

I did not ever actually write these books. I didn't even finish the first one; four or five chapters of it languish in my files, looking sad and unloved. Binders full of work for it sit dusty and ignored in my library, while notebooks full of notes on it have been lost or spilled on or repurposed for other things.

The tragedy here is not that I didn't write them (well, okay, that might be a tragedy depending on your opinion of vampire lit), but the reason that I didn't write them: I didn't feel like I was good enough. Every time I sat down and wrote something, I despised it. I could come back later and read it and think it was pretty good, but I didn't want pretty good. I wasn't going to write a pretty good novel, one that wasn't bad. I wanted it to be real, poignant, meaningful; I wanted it to say something that mattered about the human condition, to speak to various different readers regardless of where they were coming from, to be enjoyable and exciting and thoughtful. I wanted it to make use of all the carefully outlined themes in my notebooks, the rich inner worlds of the characters that I knew like the back of my hand after years of work on the project, and whenever I wrote I felt like it completely failed to do any of those things. It was just pretty good. It wasn't bad.

So I stopped working on it. I wasn't a good enough writer to make it work. I couldn't say what I wanted to say, so I refused to say anything at all. And, aside from an occasional pinprick of sadness when I saw it sitting over there, unfinished and unheard, I was able to convince myself to forget about it with the promise that I'd come back someday. Someday, when I was a better writer, I'd be good enough to pull it off. Someday, I'd look at it and the perfect way to pull it all together would strike me like a thunderbolt. Someday, I'd be able to sit down and write the novel I really wanted to write, full of depth and meaning and inspiration. Someday, things would be perfect, so I would just have to wait for that day.

That was a few years ago. Needless to say, that day, the day when everything was perfect, never came. I never worked on the novel again. Even now, when I think about it, I just feel a lingering sense of regret and shame, that I failed the story I wanted to tell so utterly.

John and I used to talk about getting married pretty often; as early as five years ago, we talked about wanting to do so and about all the pros and cons. The first time it was I who said no: if he wanted to marry me, he could ask me properly, not while lying on a couch, wearing sweatpants and eating pizza while he talked about getting a break on our taxes with Law & Order playing in the background. I'm glad I stuck to my guns there; I regretted it for a few years because he never asked again, but I don't think it was wrong of me to kick the idea into an arena where emotional concerns were more important than tax breaks.

All the later times, which were never real proposals but more cautious discussions of the subject, it was John who put the kibosh on it, always with the same reasoning: we couldn't afford it. He wanted the beautiful banquet hall full of every member of our families, even the rich relatives unable to look down on our celebration. He wanted me in a dress made of unicorn silk, wearing a diamond the size of the Crown Jewels, with exotic animals and free-flowing wine and Josh Groban personally performing at our reception. He wanted us to honeymoon all over the world, visiting the ancient sites we had always wanted to see: the Maya and Aztec ruins of Mexico, the Greek islands, the causeways of Rome, the great pyramids of Egypt. He wanted the fairytale, not just for himself but because he was afraid that I would always be disappointed in him if he didn't get it for me, too. He wanted it to be perfect.

So instead, he said someday. Someday, we'll have enough money. Someday, we'll have enough flexibility, we'll be happy in our careers, things won't cost as much, we'll know people who can help. Someday, things will be perfect. So we waited for that someday to come, the day when everything would be perfect.

That day doesn't come. It never will. There are very few of us who ever encounter perfect, and most of us don't need it when we do. When I finally started saving money, off in a corner, to buy a set of rings, it was because I had realized that there was no perfect. If we waited for perfect, we'd be waiting forever. And I didn't want to wait forever; I didn't want to sit quietly, hoping that someday we'd be good enough to deserve happiness. I already knew how that story ended: with no story at all.

When I actually proposed, I did it all wrong. I had been carrying the rings around in my pocket for a few weeks, like anxious men always seem to do in stories. I was supposed to be waiting for New Year's, after the bustle of the holidays, when John and I were going to be alone and finally able to relax. But the holidays were bustling, and John's father said, "You two should just get married" and held a half-hour seminar on why it would be financially good for us, and John's mother said, "Nobody in your generation has gotten married since Meredith, you're disappointing us all" and made John's face kind of pink around the ears, and I almost gave up. I didn't want him to think I was only asking because of familial pressure. I certainly didn't want him to think that I was asking because I felt like I had backup, like he couldn't say no now that his family was on "my side".

So I almost put the rings away and forgot about them, and when I did, I heard myself say, "I'll try again someday. When things are perfect."

So I proposed in our bedroom, on a bare mattress because I was washing the sheets, while he was wearing gym shorts and our cats were yowling at the door because they don't understand the concept of winter. I did it badly and stutteringly. I told him the story of the unfinished novel only in the briefest, barest sketch, because I felt a little bit like I was drowning. I told him I was sorry, because I knew I was doing it all wrong. I told him it was okay if he said no, even though it very definitely was not true.

He did not say no, because he's always been good about that, about seeing the intention behind my stumbling. So he hugged me, and we let the cats out, and I didn't tell him everything else I'd been planning to tell him, about how every morning I see him, either beside me sleeping or already across the room puttering around, and I remember that I'm happy. I didn't tell him that I have never gotten tired of looking at him, of his loud, ridiculous laugh, of his huge arms dwarfing my body, of his eyes that are brown like mine. I didn't tell him that I can't imagine anyone else who could challenge me and hold me at the same time, that I can't remember what it was like to ever want anyone else.

I will just have to trust that he can read between my lines.

He told me afterward that he had planned his own proposal out, though it was still waiting for its someday. He was going to rent a horse for the day and ride out when I came home from work and sweep me off, taking me through the fields and forests near our house, and kiss me in the moonlight. And he was right; it would have been perfect.

But I don't need perfect. And I'm so glad I didn't wait for it this time.
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Jan. 2nd, 2012 @ 11:21 am The Phantom Project: The Phantom of the Old Hospital by Faith Lambert
Current Mood: rejectedin pain. lots of pain.
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Oh my GOD.


The Phantom of the Old Hospital by Faith Lambert, 2004
Grade: Oh thank god


I have wonderful, wonderful news, friends: this is not actually a Phantom book. That means you don't have to read it and I don't have to write an in-depth review about its many, many sins, starting with the typesetting in bold Comic Sans.

In case anyone wanted to read something horrifically, horrendously bad for free, however, Lulu is there for you. I don't recommend it unless you have a violent love of middle-school-level dialogue, pathetic attempts at gender politics, horrifying quantities of unaddressed rape, authors who have no idea what their own MacGuffin is, the apparently gladiatorial nature of hospital promotions, or words like "drunkily" or "brung".

But if you do, god help you, feel free. I'm off to scrub my brain.

(Cross-posted from The Phantom Project.)
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Dec. 29th, 2011 @ 10:49 am It's like proof they exist!
Current Mood: dorkydorky
Current Music: Colbie Caillat - Brighter Than the Sun
Now that I've already gotten to give them to all my LJ-reading players, I can talk about our holiday Scion gifts for the year! While we always try to give players something small and fun that ties into the games, this year we kind of cheated by giving them something that was also for us. One of our WoW-playing friends online is an aspiring artist looking for portfolio work, so we asked, and she agreed, to create group portraits of the characters from the two major games. It's helpful to know people who can draw when you have the personal artistic ability of a pair of socks.

Geoff's Group: Better Next Time )

Aurora's Group: Skeins of Fate )

I think Geoff and Vivian might be my favorites, but everybody is pretty much totally awesome. They're also a good reminder to me to step it up on their stories; the artist did her research thoroughly, reading all the fiction, checking out all the character sheets and asking us for details, and as a result things are represented that haven't yet happened in the stories I've gotten around to writing. Anyone who isn't a player will just have to consider things like Kettila's tattoos, that little bat at Sangria's feet, Woody's odd silhouette, the wolf that has mysteriously made its way into the party, or who that fire-breathing giant is to be tantalizing teaser trailers for stories to come.

We printed them up on glossy photo paper for everybody and will be keeping the originals for ourselves, possibly to frame and pretend that we're adults with pictures in our house such as other adults might own. Aurora's group got their pictures last night, but Geoff's will have to wait until that game can meet again without being stymied by holidays; until then, at least two players are still going to be surprised.

Okay, so we're nerds, but at least we're good at getting others to join in our nerdery.
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Dec. 28th, 2011 @ 10:54 am With extreme prejudice
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
This is really more of a "get back on the lifestyle horse" and "oh god what did I eat over the holidays" post, but I'm tagging it for wedding stuff anyway.

You see, Hollywood has taught me that weddings are fraught with danger. There is at least a 94% chance that getting married will immediately cause someone to crash the party with mayhem in mind, probably in the form of sword-wielding ninjas, gun-toting outlaws, enchanted waterfowl, old flames with weapons, pirates, space pirates, dead pirates, sentient crabs and seagulls, the walking dead, mobsters, Patrick Dempsey, or people intent on setting my house on fire. You might think that I don't need to worry about that for the next year or so, but you'd be wrong; the holidays have made me soft and lazy. I need to be back in ass-kicking shape by the time this shindig rolls around in case I need to break somebody's arm or gather up my skirts and vault over the altar. It's a matter of life and death.

So, starting on the first of the year, it's back on the workout and diet wagon that I so unceremoniously abandoned at the first sign of holiday fudge. I'm making lists!

Food that I like and am allowed to eat! )

The great part is that I like all these things and am genuinely excited to eat them. The only hard part will be banishing all the frozen pizza and chocolate chip cookies from the house. Oh, and cheese. Someone please stop me from eating so much cheese. Wednesday is the day I visit the rest of the world instead of staying home in Dietsville, mostly because I refuse to miss out on awesome game-night potluck events.

Exercises that I don't like but have to do anyway! )

During the peak of my fitness regimen (ha), I was doing three sets of forty reps each on most of these things every other day. Lately, I have become more lazy and done only two sets, or occasionally reasoned that watching television was kind of like exercising and done that instead. The worst part will just be finding time - working all day makes it hard to not faceplant when I get home, but them's the breaks.

For posterity's sake, I'm currently eating approximately six pizzas and five ice cream cones per day and lying around like a slug, which has bumped my lazy ass up to almost 130 pounds. Let's see if I can get that down to a reasonable human level and also be able to lift objects larger than my computer mouse.

It's important. I might have to kill Patrick Dempsey.
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